I am Angry
Deep inside my soul is this oily, black slick of anger. Anger at a recent event that happened to me by people I trusted. It's resting below the surface and ready to strike should any one of the people who wronged me say one thing to me regarding this event. I want to unleash words that hurt and annihilate them. I have thoughts in my head like "gestapo actions," Or "Nazi-like tactics."
It's hard for me to be angry. I don't like it, it seems like a waste of time and really, does it solve anything? I enjoy wordplay but I don't like to use my quick thinking to attack. Also, I often get bored with being angry. I'm such a golden retriever people! Is that a squirrel??
Still I had a good friend tell me that I need to record my anger, so here goes:
I feel angry. I haven't been this angry since I had to attend anger management when my son got into trouble.
I am livid.
I am seething.
I feel hatred.
I feel like saying all the curse words.
I feel like calling a lawyer.
I feel betrayed.
I feel sad.
I feel used.
I feel powerless.
I feel stupid.
I feel weak.
I think the last one is my most alarming and maddening. I am not a weak woman. Yet when I'm angry about something like this I go right to the people pleasing part of me, or to fraud-syndrome thinking and question, "Well, I must be a bad teacher." Or "The just don't want me at this school anymore." Or I want to hide, shrink or let it go. I do not feel like a warrior.
Once I did this test to see how I devolve as I get in conflict and pushed to the limit. The result? I harmonize. When I'm pushed farther, I harmonize. Then, when I reach my absolute limit, I administrate and dominate. So basically I try to work with you a lot when you piss me off, and then I just take over.
I'd like to say that I turn to God to bring me wisdom in these situations. I tend to pull inside myself, turtling, and hide out for a bit. I turn to people for hugs, to verbally process, to loved ones who help me feel safe being angry. God often reveals a healing road to follow. So usually I wait to see where I will travel with the feelings.
This time God spoke to me through music, and through a specific album. In the late 90s I worked in a Christian bookstore. At that time there were many of these types of stores and I worked in a smaller mom and pop variety. There were t-shirts, cds, books, novelties and coffee. While working there I really fell in love with this new artist, Jennifer Knapp. Specifically, the Kansas album. I still know every word of every song. This CD carried me through an especially hard move of my family from my beloved Coeur d'Alene, Idaho to Adrian, Michigan. (By the way, I'd move back to CDA in a heartbeat!)
This week one of my fave podcasters, Jen Hatmaker, had a podcast with Jennifer Knapp. (if you don't know Jen Hatmaker, you can check her out here.) I know this musician left the music scene in 2002, and shared that she was gay. In 2002, for any Christian artist, coming out was a death sentence to your career in that genre of music. She rested and renewed herself for seven years and then came back to music in a different genre.
I believe God brought her back to my mind as a way to minister to my soul during this time. Through this music I am humbly renewing my heart, mind and body to the Lord so that I do not sin in my anger. I am a disciplined daily devotional woman, and right now I'm in Proverbs with this app. I pray every morning using a system a youth pastor shared with me when I worked with a high school youth group in Phoenix. Some people turn to God's Word to help them through highly emotional moments, and I'm glad they find healing and renewal that way. I listen to music and find inspirational quotes to carry me through. Check my Facebook or Instagram feed lately and you'll see evidence of this. It's like I'm coaching myself to stand back up.
To "stand." Huh, funny. That is my word for the year. My friends and I, and my students, choose a word for the year that we feel God is wanting us to work on, focus on, or to be the theme of our year. (Check out myoneword) In past years some of my words have been: mindful, listen, release. This year it is "stand."
We also pray that God would reveal a verse for us to memorize and use to go along with the word. This year my verse is 1Samuel 12:16: "Now stand here and see the great thing the Lord is about to do." God is so poignant.
My friend said I should just let this sit here. To not fix, to not provide a solution. Also hard for me. I like things that wrap up in a bow, or have a pithy ending. I think just as much about the ending of my writing as I do the beginning.
But in reality, I'm not done being angry. There are no solutions here. There may be no restoration of relationship. I may just have to sit in the resignation that I will no longer trust these people. That my friendships and relationships will forever be stained and changed, and that there will be no redemption from this situation. I'm going to have to be okay with that. I am angry and that is it.
It's hard for me to be angry. I don't like it, it seems like a waste of time and really, does it solve anything? I enjoy wordplay but I don't like to use my quick thinking to attack. Also, I often get bored with being angry. I'm such a golden retriever people! Is that a squirrel??
Still I had a good friend tell me that I need to record my anger, so here goes:
I feel angry. I haven't been this angry since I had to attend anger management when my son got into trouble.
I am livid.
I am seething.
I feel hatred.
I feel like saying all the curse words.
I feel like calling a lawyer.
I feel betrayed.
I feel sad.
I feel used.
I feel powerless.
I feel stupid.
I feel weak.
I think the last one is my most alarming and maddening. I am not a weak woman. Yet when I'm angry about something like this I go right to the people pleasing part of me, or to fraud-syndrome thinking and question, "Well, I must be a bad teacher." Or "The just don't want me at this school anymore." Or I want to hide, shrink or let it go. I do not feel like a warrior.
Once I did this test to see how I devolve as I get in conflict and pushed to the limit. The result? I harmonize. When I'm pushed farther, I harmonize. Then, when I reach my absolute limit, I administrate and dominate. So basically I try to work with you a lot when you piss me off, and then I just take over.
I'd like to say that I turn to God to bring me wisdom in these situations. I tend to pull inside myself, turtling, and hide out for a bit. I turn to people for hugs, to verbally process, to loved ones who help me feel safe being angry. God often reveals a healing road to follow. So usually I wait to see where I will travel with the feelings.
This time God spoke to me through music, and through a specific album. In the late 90s I worked in a Christian bookstore. At that time there were many of these types of stores and I worked in a smaller mom and pop variety. There were t-shirts, cds, books, novelties and coffee. While working there I really fell in love with this new artist, Jennifer Knapp. Specifically, the Kansas album. I still know every word of every song. This CD carried me through an especially hard move of my family from my beloved Coeur d'Alene, Idaho to Adrian, Michigan. (By the way, I'd move back to CDA in a heartbeat!)
This week one of my fave podcasters, Jen Hatmaker, had a podcast with Jennifer Knapp. (if you don't know Jen Hatmaker, you can check her out here.) I know this musician left the music scene in 2002, and shared that she was gay. In 2002, for any Christian artist, coming out was a death sentence to your career in that genre of music. She rested and renewed herself for seven years and then came back to music in a different genre.
I believe God brought her back to my mind as a way to minister to my soul during this time. Through this music I am humbly renewing my heart, mind and body to the Lord so that I do not sin in my anger. I am a disciplined daily devotional woman, and right now I'm in Proverbs with this app. I pray every morning using a system a youth pastor shared with me when I worked with a high school youth group in Phoenix. Some people turn to God's Word to help them through highly emotional moments, and I'm glad they find healing and renewal that way. I listen to music and find inspirational quotes to carry me through. Check my Facebook or Instagram feed lately and you'll see evidence of this. It's like I'm coaching myself to stand back up.
To "stand." Huh, funny. That is my word for the year. My friends and I, and my students, choose a word for the year that we feel God is wanting us to work on, focus on, or to be the theme of our year. (Check out myoneword) In past years some of my words have been: mindful, listen, release. This year it is "stand."
We also pray that God would reveal a verse for us to memorize and use to go along with the word. This year my verse is 1Samuel 12:16: "Now stand here and see the great thing the Lord is about to do." God is so poignant.
My friend said I should just let this sit here. To not fix, to not provide a solution. Also hard for me. I like things that wrap up in a bow, or have a pithy ending. I think just as much about the ending of my writing as I do the beginning.
But in reality, I'm not done being angry. There are no solutions here. There may be no restoration of relationship. I may just have to sit in the resignation that I will no longer trust these people. That my friendships and relationships will forever be stained and changed, and that there will be no redemption from this situation. I'm going to have to be okay with that. I am angry and that is it.
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